Celebrate the small victories

I’ve been having a hard time recently.. a royal balls up to be more precise…

There are days having children seems totally manageable and my attempt to tread lightly around my needs with Lupus seems possible. Today is not that day. This has not been that month either.

It is cold, my chest hurts to breathe and my joints are screaming with pain that makes me want to just stay home. Energy levels are an all-time low, Sores has infested my scalp while the blood clots are almost invisible now. I cannot think clearly. This is not an easy day to be mom. In fact there are many days just like this one.

When the start of a morning begins with me breaking up squabbles, while ploughing through the “simple” task of making sandwiches, and desperately trying to understand everything said to me and frantically trying to remember if I have brushed my hair and teeth and if the dinner menu has been sorted to administering instructions to the kids for the school day and all the while desperately trying to keep it in check through the Lupus brain fog clouding my head while hoping that I took my meds and whether I am able to turn the steering of wheel of the car today, I feel about ready to burst into tears.

But I am mom, so I don’t.

It is difficult keeping it together all of the time… it is harder realising that this is not like a cold where after a week or so, you are back to normal…. Reality is…. This flare could last months… years….

So instead of feeling sorry for myself I’ve decided I need to celebrate the small victories. Because they are achievements, even though they aren’t exciting. They are victories.

  • My family has a packed lunchboxes everyday. Edible too.
  • The kids have clean clothes to wear to school.
  • My kids get safely to school. Sigh of constant relief.
  • My family has a home cooked meal to eat every night.
  • The kitchen is almost always clean. Almost!
  • I’ve been doing a better job of maintaining boundaries and saying no when I can’t do something…. Ok we still getting there on this one
  • I am keeping my sanity though sibling rivalry. Barely

After taking stock of my small victories I noticed that there were a few other things that should be remembered

  1. Remember that it takes courage to get out of bed every day. By fighting back the pain and getting up to face the day, you are a warrior.
  2. Remember that even a small victory is progress you have made. Keep fighting.
  3. If you are feeling discouraged make a list of all the things you did that was hard to accomplish. You will notice that you are accomplishing more than you think.
  4. Remember to focus on what you have done right, not what you have done wrong.
  5. Remember that every day is a new battle when you have a chronic illness, so don’t get down on yourself if things don’t go the way you planned.
  6. Remember that all the flaws on the outside does not determine your beauty and strength inside.

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Recent happenings

We have had a busy few months thus far…. many changes…. lots of adjustments… new memories….we loving it.

We settling into our new home pretty well ….

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And added a new addition to our family … isn’t she beautiful???

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All this while my precious angel turned 11…

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Mummy got her rock on AGAIN!!!!

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Even though Winter has been positively awful to her

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But Load shedding has been kinda bearable.

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Boys are getting bigger and closer

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And Mummy is even prouder of this young man.

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Months has passed since our last meeting my faithful camera

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But instead …. bonds have grown stronger…

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It’s a verb…

My little girl has her first crush. Although it is all so cute and innocent, I am kinda sad. Sad cos it means that my baby girl is growing up… but I am all grown up about it (Big up to Mummy)…

So like a normal girl in like… Mr Dude does something every day that entices my little madam further into gaga land.

As we chat and giggle about it, I can’t help but think about how innocent and simple things are at that stage in our lives. … I can’t stop thinking about how things change. I was once just like her.

Then we grow up a little more. And by the time we reach our twenties, love and romance takes a different turn. Movies, Society and Media has made romance to be flowers, and candy and jewellery. It becomes materialist. It becomes a matter of wining and dining. It becomes something that it really shouldn’t.

Sadly, this idea sticks until life hits you when you much older, when children have entered your life, when adult responsibilities take over and time becomes more precious. I think that’s when, love and romance proves true. That is when you realise that love is a verb. I say this, because I think a lot of people don’t understand what real romance is. I didn’t for a very long time too.

Anyone can buy flowers, chocolates and jewellery.

The truly romantic things in life are those little things you do every day to show you care, and that you’re thinking of them …

It’s in the …

The way you holds hand when you falling asleep.

The random text in the middle of the day, just to say “I love you” or “I miss you”.

The way he stops to kiss you when he passes by.

It’s putting the TV on pause so she can tell you about her day

Or laughing at his jokes, even the really lame ones.

It’s receiving a cup coffee as you step out the shower

Or taking out the trash because she hates it.

Its lazy weekends when the kids are not around.

It’s the look in his eyes, even with you messy hair and gown.

It’s a handwritten message in his lunch bag.

It’s catching him staring while watching movies.

It’s in the minuscule moments of the everyday, camouflaged as dull comfort.

Love isn’t about buying, it’s about giving. Love isn’t about saying, it is about showing.

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Something today made me reminisce.

Maybe it is the fact that I need to unwind again. The challenges of life, the brain fog…. The physical pain and the emotional anger that goes with this disease… the and and and…  it eventually catches up.

It has been one heck of a chicken race thus far.

But amidst this race we had a weekend to relax. A weekend we were waited on hand and foot at a luxurious Game Lodge. Gosh that seems such a long time ago now. And as most of my followers would know, Mother Nature in all her splendour transcends me to my peaceful happy place.

A place which off course my camera goes with.

So here I am, being hopeful that I can recapture this to ease my mood.

So in my attempt,  I share a few pictures of our weekend :)

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And why not enjoy a cold one to heighten the experience

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Memories are certainly good for the soul….

have a restful weekend

Who am I, you ask?

Wise people say that sooner or later you will ask yourself this question. At first it seems like a silly question. Surely you are you… right???

Your name, your life stage, your age, your personality. But is that the whole story? And is that a true story?

Who am I?

Well…..

I am made from all the people I encounter

From all the things that I have experienced.

On the inside, I embrace

The laughter and chattering of my children,

The arguments and forgiveness with my parents,

The strength of family,

The warmth of friends,

The kindness from strangers,

And the love of a partner.

On the inside are

Stitches from a broken heart,

Bitter words from heated quarrels,

Music that gets me through,

And emotions I cannot express.

I made from all these people and all these moments

And this is who I am

Who are you?”

How quickly it all changes

Last night I was going through some old pictures to find a few for my new canvas prints to brighten the bare and empty walls.

As we went through them, there was laughter and giggles from the kids as they looked at their younger years. We chatted and shared some stories behind these pictures and we giggled and ahhed a bit more.

And all the while I could not help but miss how little my babies were. How adorable they were. Their smiles, their quirks, their innocence all frozen in those pictures.

I know that they are growing up, building more memories while becoming more independent and that sounds wonderful in theory but in reality I want you to be my babies forever.

Truth is, I love being the centre of your world and I know that’s entirely selfish but it’s wonderful to have two little humans that think the world of me.  

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Right now I’m going to hold onto as much of your childhood as I can and try and enjoy every minute.  I’m going to soak up your innocence, the beauty of being young and the simplicity it is being a child.  I’m going to immerse myself in being your mummy and I’m going to try and be the best that I can so that I can be the centre of your world a little longer.

I don’t need a man…

I don’t need a man…

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This is by far one of the most popular words I hear from women recently. Be it from my girlfriends… to colleagues… to other blogs I read… hell, I have even said this myself…  These words… said with such passion…. Such control… such belief…

Well… it got me thinking.  What crap… We are just lying to ourselves.

Maybe now isn’t the time when you feel like you need a man in your life. Cos maybe you have been hurt or you were treated badly. Maybe you were cheated on, or treated like dirt. Maybe you were not appreciated or taken for granted. Maybe your life is under major reconstruction. Maybe you’re learning to be happy on your own for the first time in your life…

Whatever it is, something unhealed lies beneath the surface of those words. It has nothing to do with us women being strong, powerful and independent. I think it is more to do with anger, grief, and lack of trust.  Or all it mashed into one.

I know we are independent women.  I know we can do it all without a man. The careers, the family, friends, just about everything actually.  Yes we can juggle and succeed at it all.

But that part of you that claims that you don’t need a man, what’s it’s really all about?  Are we that revolted by the idea of having a loving, intimate, respectful relationship with someone?  Are we that appalled with the idea of sharing, openly communicating, connecting and being heard by a special someone?

Let me guess…. That answer is a no…..

Let’s face it …. Every woman and man for that matter, needs to love and feel loved in return. It’s how we humans are designed… and it’s a beautiful thing too and not something we should be denying or avoiding

Also there’s some deep-rooted part of us, no matter how we try to stifle it, that knows we’re lying to ourselves by saying ….. I don’t need a man …

Just a thought…