As we approach the end of yet another year, I hear the “I cannot wait for this year to be over” more and more each day…. just about everyone is ready to start afresh or have a break from the promises that the year held….
As I sit and reflect on my year, 2013 has been like no other … a bitter sweet year of reflections, sadness and finding a sense of peace.
This post may upset a few. Just know that it is nothing personal… this is a part of my story and my journey…
So here goes…..
For me personally, this year was filled with hard work, difficult and painful decisions that needed to be made as I was falling to pieces…. I was falling more and more into my very own abyss….
2013 started with a realisation… a realisation which has lead to the most difficult task I have encountered….
A task that required surrendering what I thought I NEEDED
- A husband ..
I had to give up the NEED for all of this for something …something that transcended it all. You see, when I was attached to these things, I NEEDED these things to be happy, fulfilled, and whole…but life was not so great. In fact, something was just missing. I felt dead, with a broken heart, a stressed out life to the max, and literally no self worth …. and something needed to be done about it…
I had to unattach myself from the NEED to have my life laid out in a certain way in order to be happy. I had to give that ALL up. That’s a huge surrender. We’re human, after all and it is a lot to give up.
But not giving it up just led to a kind of dysfunction, the sting in my heart as I needed to be loved in order to feel whole, the disappointment, anger and hurt so deep I could just tremble, insecurities about my personality and looks, the belief that I had nothing to offer anyone, the feelings of failure, the belief that I was not worthy of being loved.
And that was when … I made my priority to align with the Spiritual; this is when my life changed. I changed…. I began to heal… to heal in ways I never thought was possible. I started feeling a sense of happiness and wholeness like I had never known.
My priority became the pursuit of ALIGNMENT, PEACE and REAL LOVE…above everything else. I had to decide what I treasured more: my life as it is or freedom and peace.
I began pursuing all the virtues of the Divine…love, forgiveness, compassion, gratitude, joy, hope, etc. So in all those moments that I described, I started to pursue these virtues in those moments instead. But as you pursue these virtues, it’s like the other crap starts to melt away. I must admit it’s taking that initial step to surrender your natural human self that takes all the courage in the world. But once you do it, the power of the virtue starts to snowball. It starts to dominate and embody you, instead of the other things that you were trying to rid yourself of. Basically, when you pursue these virtues, it is like you “at one” with the very energy that they represent…you “at one” with a higher spirit. There is an energy associated with this stuff. You will feel it!!!!!!
So this year has seen changes and this surrender and pursuit is just one of the many but it has contributed to the biggest part of my journey through the year and has brought me to a place where I found peace. I have realised that not everyone understands the journey and the decisions or even the place I am at… and I understand that…. it is just the way we are raised, to believe that to be successful and happy we need to have a stable job, a husband, children, a big house, a nice car or 2… even when the peace, happiness and love is no more…. But life is more than that…..
Life is about being at peace, being happy and having love…. with yourself first….
I wanted that peace… I wanted something better. And I was willing to do the work.
I end 2013 in a new house, with a new journey…. and with a sense of complete spiritual upliftment….
PS… And I am ever so grateful that I have a husband that understands this journey with me, and realises that sometimes being apart for the right reasons is healthier than being together for the wrong ones…