Posted in Mind, Soul

A hand to hold

Have you ever felt so sad that your heart literally aches…. Like the smallest thing can let out a gush of emotions? Like if you allow the tears to flow, they may never stop?? Have you ever felt that sad?

Have you ever felt so alone that you can literally hear the silence… Like you are scared to your very last bone and you have no hand to hold? Have you ever felt that alone?

I used to feel like that. I used to wallow in such misery that it literally killed me inside. I used to feel so sad that I actually became numb. But that was then. When I realised that I didn’t want to be like that any longer. .. I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. .. and that I have two beautiful young kids. …
I learned. .
I learned to change my attitude, I learned to change my outlook on life and I learned to let go.

But today…today was a reminder…. Today …

I sat in his room, waiting. I sat there in anticipation. I sat there nervous. I sat there afraid. I sat there hoping. I sat there alone.

And as I sat..waiting, memories came rushing back. Memories of being here before. Memories of feeling this before. Memories of the loneliest times in my life. Memories of the scariest times in my life. Memories that gave me an overwhelming feeling of being alone again. And it made me sad.

I remembered the first time I found out I had lupus… I was alone… and no hand to hold

I remembered the 2nd opinion I went for … with no hand to hold

Or even the 3rd opinion… again there was no hand

Yes, I know… 3 opinions … just had to get confirmation..:P

I remembered every doctors visit, all the different tests, the specialists visits, every procedure done… and the oh so many follow up visits… yes .. no hand to hold

I remembered all the results. . All the outcomes. . All those times. . dealing with it all…. still no hand to hold

So why now…. After 7 years of doing this on my own, of overcoming all of this,  why do I suddenly have this crappy feeling.

Maybe because it was another important visit. Maybe because I haven’t felt this nervous or worried or hopeful for a while… maybe it was just me reliving a memory

But I felt it… all those feelings that I felt way back when came at me like a steam train on steroids…

What a miserable feeling. ..

As I write this, I know that I would never go back there. I have changed too much for that

BUT

it made me realise one extremely important thing …

I HAVE COME SO FAR…. A journey I travelled alone … and I am proud of myself

What saddens me though is that there are others out there that does not get this far. There are others that are struggling. And I have so much more empathy for them because they can’t find a way out of the darkness. They struggle with these emotions. It’s an awful place to be.

My only hope that they have a loved one to simply hold their hand…

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Author:

A working mother who lives in Johannesburg. I thrive on coffee to keep me sane, music to soothe my soul, reading to pretend that I am clever, and most importantly my kids to know that I am loved.

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